The Man Code

I’m an amazing husband.  Season after season I watch the Bachelor and Bachelorette with my wife.  Oh, I know – all the women out there are drooling over how completely awesome I am – but ladies…I’m taken. 

So after watching all these shows for a few years now, I’ve finally been rewarded for my selflessness.  How have I been rewarded?  But this guy right here:

 Dave.  What a real man.  This dude is a MAN’S MAN!  He’s all about telling it how it is and keeping it real, all the while following the unwritten “Man Code”.  Never you mind the fact that he makes himself look like a total jacker during all his tirades…He’s the real deal.  He makes all other men look like little ol’ ladies while they gawk at him as he’s keepin’ it real.

 With phrases like, “I’d love to tie that guy to a tree an beat the $#&@ outta him” and “That dude needs to be dragged to a $#@&in’ lake and &%#$in’ drowned”, he’s climbing his way up the Man Code ladder and may soon be able to topple even the great Chuck Norris himself.  The day when Dave really started to set himself apart from the other girls on the show was the day Juan dumped out his glass of booze, and faked a toast and a shot – and even the choking afterwards – and Dave immediately piped up with “Dude – he’s breaking the Man Code!!”, while staring in disbelief that ANY man would dare trash the Man Code, as if it would bring shame down on their family for generations to come.  Ever since that shining moment, Dave has proven himself to be the Wild Tiger caged up with feeble mice, uttering timeless phrases such as “Juan – just go back inside” while Juan stood there for a second looking like a group of bullies were teasing him at recess back in the 7th grade.  His testosterone is unparalleled on this earth.  I dare say even the Lions, yes, the very King of Beasts, would cower in humility to Dave and his overpowering Man Code which radiates from him like a wide-open fire hose.  What’s even more impressive and powerful is when all this manliness isn’t quite enough, all Dave needs to do is get a little liquored up and where he once was a fire hose, he’s now a raging river of brightly shining man essence for all around to bask in!

 Others have blogged that they’re disappointed that Jillian has kept him on for another week.  But for me, I’m eagerly looking forward to another week of being blown away at how womanly I am next to this true Man among men.   Jillian will probably be booting him shortly, but until then there will be a smile on my face and I’ll be eagerly awaiting more manly garbage to spew from this jack-nugget’s mouth.