Throughout the day I continued to work, receiving updates from my Dad concerning my cousins condition and how the surgery was proceeding - all of the news excellent. At around noon or so I received an email from the Elders Quorum President, who had received an email from the Bishop, stating that whoever was doing the church lockup for the week needed to set up extra chairs for Sacrament Meeting this Sunday due to a homecoming for an elderly couple returning from their mission. Since my responsibility for this year has been to oversee the church lockup schedule, I knew who was doing it for the week - my Home Teacher and neighbor just two doors down - and I emailed the Elders Quorum President to let him know I'd get that information passed on.
So around 1pm I emailed my neighbor, Jeff, and told him the situation, and offered to help him set these extra chairs up on Saturday if he needed it. Jeff has been living in the neighborhood for a little over a year, and was married to Krystal almost exactly 1 year ago. Jeff and Krystal are super nice, and Jeff at one point had helped me install a new disposal in my sink. Within 30 minutes of sending my email, I got a reply from Jeff. In a very positive email, he told me he'd be more than happy to set up more chairs, and also mentioned he'd like to set up a time to come Home Teaching and asking when a good day would be. I emailed him back and told him to pick a day next week and we'd make it work, and thanked him again for locking up the building and being willing to set up extra chairs.
As the day worn on, I got stuck at work for an extra hour trying to update my iTunes and iPhone to the latest software, and wasn't able to leave until about 7pm. On the way home, I got a text from my sister who stated that she was officially engaged. Overall, it was a good day. My cousin's heart transplant went smooth and he was recovering, my sister was engaged and I had taken care of my church responsibilities, and I was heading home to spend some time with my wife for the evening.
As I got closer to the house, I got a phone call from another Elder in my ward, Jeramie - a guy I also play World of Warcraft with from time to time. His first question, and almost first words on the phone were "Hey, whats' going on at Jeff's house?" He was asking me since I lived 3 doors down from Jeff. "What do you mean?", I asked. He then said that he had driven by there on his way through the neighborhood and there were a few cars out front, as well as a police car. I told Jeramie that I wasn't even home yet, and that I'd be home shortly, but that I wasn't aware of anything.
Jeff has two brothers that he works with, one of which was Ryan. Jeramie has been friends with Ryan for years. Jeramie mentioned that he had tried to call Ryan multiple times, but was getting no response. Finally Jeramie got a text message from Ryan which simply said: "Jeff shot himself". Jeramie texted back and asked if it was an accident, from which he got a simple reply: "No". After that, Jeramie couldn't get any further responses from Ryan.
So I got home and had a hard time getting into my driveway, due to all the cars on our street. As I was walking from the garage to the front door, I glanced over to Jeff's house and saw a man standing out front. I paused for a second and then waved him over when he looked in my direction. He introduced himself as Chris, and was a neighbor of the parents of Krystal's (Jeff's wife), and had driven her parents over to their house. He was all alone outside so I started to ask him questions. He revealed to me when Jeff got home from work, he went downstairs and shot himself. Krystal was upstairs at the time, heard the gunshot and run downstairs and say him "bleeding out", as he phrased it. Chris also mentioned that a note was left that mentioned something about financials, but was extremely vague. Due to the vague note, and that Jeff worked with his two brothers (they owned an insurance company), Ryan and his brother went back down to the office to try to find any clues about what Jeff was referencing in his note. After standing there in shock for a few minutes, and then asking some other questions Chris didn't know the answer to, I told him about my email with Jeff that day. As we were talking some detectives arrived. I told Chris where I lived and told him that if Krystal or the detectives needed anything from me to send them over.
I went back in the house and called my friend Jeramie to let him know the most current events as I knew them. Being a good friend of Ryan and Jeff, I wanted him to be kept in the loop. I also tried calling the Elders Quorum President to let him know as well, but only got voicemail. I left a message for him to call me, and then started to cook some chicken out on the grill. Out in the grocery store parking lot behind my house, there was a guy sitting at a table selling something, but every 10 seconds he was yelling something completely inaudible, and for some reason, due to the events of the evening, it grated on my nerves like nothing else ever had. He was shouting and yelling in a way that had wordless moan to it from the distance I was at, and sounded a little too eerie, taking in recent events and the shock I was still in. I have never wanted to punch another man in the face so bad as I did that night, and kept thinking over and over "That man needs to just shut up!". I called Leslie around this time to let her know what was going on with Jeff and Krystal. She had been away, taking Makayla to dance. Leslie's shock was very audible on the phone, which only increased my own shock and disbelief yet again. After a few minutes, I got off of the phone with her, as she was heading home.
In and out of the house I went on barbequing, and eventually, I got in touch with the Elders Quorum President, Dan. I asked Dan if he had a minute, and he said that he did and asked what was up. I asked, "Are you sitting down?" to which he replied, "No, but I guess I probably could be…" in a tenuous voice, unsure of what type of news he was going to get. I waited for a just a second, trying to pick which words I should use, then I said very simply, "Jeff
Silence.
A few seconds later, he, as I did with Chris over the fence in the front yard earlier, began rambling, saying things like "Are you serious?" and "What happened?" and other questions like that when pure shock has set in. After I relayed all the events as I knew them, I asked him if he was available to go over and visit with me…even if it was a quick knock at the door to let Krystal know we were available for any support we could provide. Dan wasn't currently at home, and we agreed I should grab my next door neighbor, James, also in the Elders Quorum Presidency, to go over with me. I went to his house but he wasn't home. So in the end, I decided that I should get Jeramie to go over with me, since he's close friends of the family. Sometime during this time at home and on the phone, Jeff's body was removed from the house. Leslie also came home around this time and we hugged and talked a little bit. Jeramie drove down to my house after just a couple of minutes, and he and I walked over. Leslie wanted to come, but needed to get Renton in bed.
As we were walking over, we noticed there was a large group of people outside, and in the middle of them all was Jeff's wife Krystal, and Jeff's two brothers, Ryan and Jeremy. The first sound and sight that I heard was Krystal crying and hugging someone I didn't recognize. We simply stood there for a moment, not sure exactly what we should do or say; just letting the moment work itself out. After a minute she backed away from the person she was hugging and saw us, and I moved forward to give her a hug, as did she. As she hugged me, she started to cry even more. All I could respond with, in a whisper, to her over and over was "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry". While her face was buried on my shoulder, she started to talk through her sobs, but she was sobbing so hard I couldn't even understand, which made my heart sink even more than it already had. After a moment she backed away, and I noticed that although she had just been sobbing on my shoulder, her eyes were completely dry, which broke my heart even more. She had obviously been crying for so long and so hard that she didn't even have any more tears to shed, but her emotions wouldn't let her stop at least attempting to shed any extra tears they could.
She then said through her lighter sobbing, "I bet you're here for the church lockup key…". I immediately frowned and shook my head and said "Krystal, that's the last thing I care about right now", to which she replied "No, it's not that. It's just that I know Jeff had the key and that it was his responsibility and now he's not here to do it and he should be!". Her sentence trailed off as she again started to cry, and someone grabbed her and hugged her. Again, my heart sank even lower. Jeramie and I let her know that we were simply here for her and if there was anything we could do, we would. Through her tears, she asked her sister-in-law to run in and grab the keys for me, which I wasn't after, but I figured that I should just let her do whatever she feels like she needs to do and let it all happen.
I then saw Jeff's brother, Ryan, who used to also be my Home Teacher and lived on our street, and his eyes were red and emotionally, visibly, he was struggling. I also gave him a hug and offered condolences to him as well. He never full-on cried, but he definitely looked like he had shed his share of tears, and would again at any moment. He talked about how he had driven Jeff home that night at about 5:15pm, and that Jeff for the most part seemed normal, but admitted he felt a little tired. Ryan said he didn't think anything of it, nor would anyone else in that same situation. I then shared my story about the emailing back and forth I had with Jeff today, and how normal Jeff seemed. He then said that he and his brothers had gone to lunch with their dad that day and nothing out of the ordinary popped up in any of Jeff's actions.
After a few minutes and minor conversations, I got the house keys from Krystal as she was leaving to go to her parents house. The crime-scene cleanup crew were coming at any minute, but Krystal and her family didn't want to hang around the house anymore, so I offered to hang around until they came. Jeramie stayed with me, and by this time James was also there, as well as the Bishop. We four stood out front talking and very shortly the crime-scene cleanup crew arrived, just one man, Shane, who was very professional, courteous and considerate - so much so that I was very impressed. At the same time I remember thinking that I could never do that job in a million years.
While he was inside assessing cleanup effort, the four of us stood outside talking. I found that the Bishop had been there for quite a while and knew more than any of us did. There was a scout Court of Honor that night, but he bailed out of it as soon as he heard the news about Jeff. I asked him about the situation and the details, which he divulged, and made the entire story even more stark and startling.
Ryan drove Jeff home, as mentioned, at 5:15pm. Krystal was already home. Jeff went inside and went downstairs while Krystal stayed upstairs. She was working on something, which I have no details of. Whether it was dinner, or some scrapbooking, I have no idea. After a few minutes, Jeff yelled to her and asked her if she could come downstairs for a minute. Krystal replied that she'd be down in just a minute while she finished up what she was preoccupied with. A couple minutes later Krystal heard a gunshot. She ran downstairs to see Jeff laying on the floor, with a gunshot wound to the head, bleeding out onto the carpet, still barely breathing. I'm unsure of whether or not he was cognizant, but he died shortly thereafter.
The Bishop stated that the note said something to the effect that Jeff was sorry, and that he had made a bad business decision. They believed the note was printed at work, but again, said that it was very vague and left no details as to what this business decision was. But the Bishop uttered what we were all thinking: "What business decision could be THAT bad…?"
Shane came out of the house after a little bit and said that the "event" had been very well contained, but that there was some residue on the couch, and that he normally leaves that up to the members of the house as to whether or not they want to keep the couch and clean it, or get rid of it. The Bishop tried to call Krystal, but couldn't get in touch with them, so we all agreed that he should attempt to clean and save the couch.
He went back inside and we continued talking. After a while, Jeramie had to leave and so did the Bishop, who also offered to do lockup at the church for the night since he would be down at the church anyway.
I continued to talk with James in front of my house for a little bit as a couple more of the neighbors came straggling into the conversation, one of which was Mary, James' wife. She said that at 5:15pm, she was walking on our street and saw Jeff and Ryan drive through, and they both waved at her and she waved at them and even to her, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I could tell shock had her as well, due to her repeating that a few times, as if in disbelief.
Abraham came over after a while, and as my conversation with James and Mary faded and people left for their homes, Abraham and I stood there talking. Abraham was Jeff and Krystal's Home Teacher who lived just around the corner - within view of Jeff and Krystal's house. Abraham also never saw this coming. We both conveyed our shock and disbelief and talked about the events, and eventually he needed to go back home. At this point Julia , from across the street from me, pulled into her driveway and I talked with her about the events too. She was also in shock and relayed a story to me about her grandfather who, at 92 years of age, killed himself without warning. It reaffirmed to me that you can never say "never". There is no telling where our lives my lead and what events will transpire to put us at our breaking points.
Later, back in the house, my wife and I talked even more about the events, and her fears were shared with me about trust, and how an event like this can really shatter someone's sense of security. Krystal, Ryan nor anyone else who had contact with Jeff during the day had any inkling of the events that were going to transpire. But, it brought up the thoughts again of "Never say never", and that every day, all day, we just have to keep ourselves on track and work as best we can towards happiness, even when everything around us may seem to be falling apart.
To Krystal - I am so sorry for your loss. Jeff was an amazing guy with such a happy demeanor, and his positive attitude was infectious to all those around. In fact, many times after talking with him, I felt that I needed to do better and act that way more around the people that I came in contact with. If there's any advice I can give, it would be this: I'm sure that brief time when you were "busy with something" when Jeff asked you to come downstairs will be a source of stress, worry and guilt. But don't let it be. I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that you were "busy" upstairs for a reason. Upstairs was where you needed to be at the time Jeff took his life. Take comfort in that - I believe the Lord was watching out for you.
To Ryan - I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. I only have one brother, but I've thought many times about how I'd feel if I ever lost him. If what I imagine is even .00001% of how it really feels for you, then I hope I never have to find out the reality, and my heart aches for what you must be going through.
My prayers and thoughts are with you both and your families. I know there's really nothing anyone can do for you right now - that you just need to be around each other for the time being - but know that if there is anything you did need, any of us will jump to do whatever needs to be done.
Personal thoughts: I don't know what Jeff had going on in his head behind the scenes. What do any of us truly think in the privacy of our own minds? But this type of event solidifies my belief that regardless of what we have going on inside, when we're struggling with things, we all need to share those feelings and work them out. Whether it's with family, friends, Home Teachers, the Bishop - or our spouses, work through your struggles and trials and find help for them before they become so large you don't feel like you can handle them anymore, and something tragic and drastic happens like it did last night. There's always help, but we each need to seek it out. No one is ever alone, and no problem is so insurmountable that taking your own life is the only way to fix it.
Directing this to everyone I know: I am ALWAYS available to anyone who needs to talk, family or otherwise. I can't see what's inside any of you to know when to ask questions, or what questions need to be asked, but I'm always available should you need it, and I sincerely hope you take me up on that offer. I'd rather spend every free hour of every day helping anyone talk through issues, then to go through another tragedy such as this.
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